What if the very thing you’re avoiding is exactly what you need to step into?
Many leaders I work with have developed fairly sophisticated patterns to avoid what scares them. They over-prepare to dodge the possibility of failure. They stay silent to prevent relationship ruptures. They defer decisions to escape being wrong. They pile on more work to avoid delegating and risking disappointment. Sound familiar?
These patterns feel protective. They’ve likely worked for us in the past and even earned us kudos. But here’s the problem: the very strategies that once kept us safe now keep us stuck. We become so good at avoiding discomfort that we stop growing.
I see this play out constantly in coaching. A client who’s brilliant at execution can’t step into strategic thinking because they’re terrified of not having all the answers. Another who prides themselves on being liked struggles to give critical feedback, inadvertently limiting their team’s development. These aren’t capability issues. They’re pattern issues. And here’s what I’ve learned: these patterns are almost always old. Really old. When I ask clients when they learned to avoid conflict or strive for perfection, they often trace it back to childhood. The strategy of an 8-year-old is running you now.
So what happens when you finally decide to lean in? Your heart races. Your mind floods with worst-case scenarios. Your body tenses. You feel exposed, vulnerable, maybe even a bit shaky. When I recently pushed myself to be more vulnerable in my communications, that familiar voice whispered, “Stay safe. Don’t reveal too much.” That’s the pattern trying to protect you. But discomfort isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong; it’s often a sign you’re growing.
The work isn’t to eliminate the discomfort. It’s to learn to be with it. You can notice your impulse to retreat, acknowledge it (“I’m feeling scared right now and that’s okay”), and then choose differently anyway. Not perfectly. Not without anxiety. Just differently. When you do, you’ll discover that the thing you were avoiding rarely turns out as catastrophically as your mind predicted.
Practices
When you notice yourself in an avoidance pattern:
- Stop and pause. Center yourself.
- Name what’s happening: “I’m feeling anxious/uncomfortable/
vulnerable right now.” - Notice what’s happening in your body—racing heart, tight chest, the urge to flee.
- Ask yourself: “Can I be with this discomfort and still take action?”
- Take one small step toward what scares you, even while feeling uncomfortable.
- Afterward, acknowledge yourself for choosing growth over comfort.
When you need support:
- Connect with trusted advisors. Share what you’re grappling with. You aren’t alone.
- Ask yourself: “What’s the story I’m telling myself about what might happen?” Challenge it.
- Remember: the things that disturb us are rarely as bad as we make them out to be.
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters is a poem by Portia Nelson that resonates with many of my clients about recognizing their patterns and leaning in to do something different.
