newsletter-email-logo-top
October 2024

LEADER PRACTICE No. 17: What Happens AFTER You Mess Up?

I was facilitating a class recently and … I messed up. It was a minor mistake, yet someone in the class called me out on it and admonished me. After being momentarily taken aback, I owned the error and kept going. Overall, I handled the situation reasonably well.

Far more interesting, though, was my experience after the event. In the ensuing days, my thoughts went rogue. I relived the situation, engaged in a bit of self-flagellation, blamed the person who challenged me, and petulantly declared to myself that I would quit. Eventually, I landed in that familiar place where my habit pattern often takes me: accepting more than my fair share of responsibility (a.k.a. over-functioning). My rumination chewed up a lot of cognitive resources and peace of mind.

Sound familiar? Sometimes our mistakes don’t bother us. Or we quickly move past them. Then there are those minor setbacks that take on a life of their own—in our minds. When that happens, where does your mind go? Maybe you blow it out of proportion, analyze the situation to death, blame others, beat yourself up relentlessly, make excuses, ruminate, catastrophize, fantasize, or threaten to flee. Maybe you take on your share of responsibility plus the responsibility of everyone else. How does your response pattern affect your energy, mental state, and focus? What’s the impact on others?

It’s important to reflect on mistakes and learn from them. Reflection enables us to discern how, if at all, we could prevent or navigate similar scenarios in the future—and take needed action. However, when you find yourself engulfed in a mental whirlpool, there are actions you can take to break the cycle. First, catch yourself. Pause. Redirect your thinking. If useful, offer yourself compassion. This is hard for most of us. You may have to make many attempts depending on how stuck you are in your loop. Beating yourself up about your pattern isn’t helpful! Second, get perspective. Huddle with your cadre of trusted advisors to get their perceptions and ideas. Think about the bigger picture and the relative importance of the situation. Third, ask for feedback when appropriate. (In my situation, the error I made was recorded. I could see for myself, once I dared watch it, how it wasn’t so bad.) Remember, the things that disturb us are rarely as bad as we make them out to be.

Practices

When you mess up, consider:

  • What are my go to patterns in response to a mistake?
  • Which mistakes are okay and not okay for me?
  • How old are these responses?

 

When you find yourself trapped in a mental swirl:

  • Stop, pause, redirect and offer self-compassion (practice below.)
  • Gain perspective – with trusted others or on your own.
  • Challenge your conclusions. Ask “Is that true?” and “How do I know that to be true?”
  • Ask for objective feedback.

The following is a short self-compassion practice I recorded and recommend to my clients, especially those who are particularly hard on themselves – you know who you are. You can also find this and other guided practices anytime in our resource library under Presence.

Until next month…

Dana's signature

Founder and Principal Coach

newsletter-email-logo-bottom